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Love and blessings to you all.
I pray that everyone’s year is off to blessed beginning and our God sees you through every minute with his mercy and grace.
At the close of 2024, I couldn’t help reflecting on how difficult the year was for so many people that I encountered. Many lives were touched by calamites as illness, death, divorce, separation, depression, anxiety and the list goes on. Families and hearts were broken and the mindsets of the children were left hanging in the balance.
I must say that broken marriages and relationships have become increasingly common and are affecting the children profoundly. Reflecting on this inspired me to think of some ways that we can lower the impact of parental conflict on our children. Children are casualties in the war between their parents and preventing and minimizing their battle scars should be everyone’s utmost priority
Children did not ask to be here. There are the precious product resulting from affection that both parents once felt for each other. You both were chosen to love and protect this little one. The responsibility of this is tremendous and when the road splits between partners, the journey can seem overwhelming and difficult. These times can make a parent want to crawl away from the world but this is when your little one needs you most. Sometimes, unfortunately, children need to be protected from the choices of their own parents. When conflict and disagreements arise, please keep the following in mind:
Please do not vent to your children.
Their brains and tender sensibilities are still developing and no matter how mature they may seem, they are not ready to interpret the information about how you feel about your partner. Your disappointment and anger may be something that you feel but your child is not your sounding board. Even when they ask you questions, remember who they are. They are not your friend, your confidant or therapist.
Conversations about child support, neglect or anything else only makes them confused, guilty, isolated and torn. Children with this dynamic often become anxious, angry, and fearful at first. Eventually, this can result in them carrying these feelings into their future relationships with catastrophic consequences. They will make their own decisions about each parent and don’t need to be coerced about their feelings. In addition, if your partner learns of your conversations, they may retaliate with their version of you and then your child becomes a ping pong ball bouncing around through the dynamic of your failed relationship.
Despite your differences, parents should be selfless enough to put aside their feelings and have a private conversation where both of you agree about how you will present your separation to your child. Commit to each other that there will NOT be any backhanded covert undermining of each other. Present your best selves to your child. I understand that this is difficult and sometimes your emotions run high but strongly consider the consequences of the other approach.
Try not to argue in front of your children.
I realize that this is very tough and sometimes close to impossible. I only suggest this because of the anxiety and depressive symptoms that I have had to manage in my office in children whose homes are subject to frequent displays of anger and hostility. Try to discuss your feelings with your partner in the most private place and minimize displaying your frustration with each other in front of your children. Your little ones likely know there is a problem but volatility can be confusing and make them feel unstable and insecure.
Lastly, do not encourage your child to be secretive or report back on your partner.
This can make them feel confused and anxious. Loyalty to one parent over another and being forced to choose is stressful. In addition, if your child operates in this space, your partner may sense it and become isolated from your child and then everyone loses. Instead, speak candidly (and privately) with each other and ask your own questions and do not involve your child.
In conclusion, divorce, broken relationships and separation are heartbreaking and difficult. Therefore, parents, please nurture yourselves. I pray that you will seek wise counsel, extend yourself grace and take one day at a me toward rebuilding your life in this trying time. Moving on is a brave but often very painful journey.
Please make every effort to remain steadfast in your efforts to present and maintain a healthy, comfortable environment for your child. Children thrive in security and when they are allowed to mature at their own pace. This security is the foundation of their self- esteem. Adulthood and its drama thrusted on them too early will shatter their confidence and steal their childhood from them.
I pray that this message truly helps someone. Especially children.
Love to all,
Robyn Cadet MD
