A Word about Bullying

As the school year begins, we, as parents, are getting ready for the homework, school events, parent teacher conference, school stresses… and bullying?

That word does not seem to fit into the list of our concerns for school but unfortunately, it is a fact of school life.

We have to face it. It is rare that a child will not face some level of bullying at some point. Our mission as parents should be to give our children the tools to be able to navigate and overcome those difficult moments. Bullying occurs in the adult world too so these coping tools can be seeds planted that can bear fruit for years to come.

Here’s a few suggestions that I have for parents…

• Take every opportunity to build your child’s self esteem at home. Praise their accomplishments, their efforts, their interests and remind them constantly of how proud of them you are. This fosters their self confidence and that self confidence is the first attribute that bullying tends to attack.
• Make every effort to establish a daily dialogue with your child about how their day was, both academically and socially. Take the time to listen and give positive feedback. Too often, victims of bullying feel isolated and alone and don’t feel safe talking about their situations. This solitude can lead to depression or worse, so please check in daily and stay present in the conversation.
• Listen to your child about what they like to do extracurricularly, and help them to get involved. Studies show that children who are involved in extracurricular activities are less likely to become depressed or overwhelmed by bullying.
• If your child is being bullied, encourage them to talk about their feelings with you. Open honest and comfortable conversation is vital. Your child needs to share their feelings. Listen carefully and let them know how important their voice and their feelings are.
• Stay calm when your child tells you about their bully. (I know this might be tough to do, lol) Show your child, by your example, that they should stay calm in the face of adversity and not react or over-react emotionally.
• Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know that it’s normal to be upset. Validation of feelings encourages trust and keeps your child talking and the dialogue will discourage depression and stress suppression. Also, let your child know that it’s not their fault. Nothing is wrong with the victim of bullying. Make it clear that bullying says less about the victim’s personally than it does about the bully: This bully has a problem and others have to learn how to deflect and contain this problem, and not feed what’s going on. Explain that the worst way to respond is a sort of mob mentality — other children who are afraid of being targets will join with the bully and abandon the victim. Teach your child to resist the herd effect, not to pile on when someone else is being bullied. If your child has the strength to support friends, they will find the nerve to reciprocate.
• Don’t forget to praise your child for sharing their stressful situation with you. It takes courage and maturity to discuss your vulnerabilities, and they need to be applauded for it.
• Practice phrases your child can use to tell someone to stop bullying behavior. These should be simple and direct, but not antagonistic: “Leave me alone.” “Back off.” “That wasn’t nice.”
• Your child could also try, “Yeah, whatever,” and then walk away. The key is that a comeback shouldn’t be a put-down, because that aggravates a bully and can worsen a situation.
• Role-playing is a terrific way to build confidence and empower your child to deal with challenges. You can role-play the bully while your child practices different responses until your child feels confident handling troublesome situations. As you role play, teach your child to speak in a strong, firm voice — whining or crying will only encourage a bully.

It is advisable to seek help within the school system. You and your child should let school officials know about these difficult situations. I advise parents to get involved because it shows your child that they have support (bullying can make your child feel very isolated). Most schools are very intolerant to bullying and school officials should be helpful to you. If this is not the case, contact your school superintendent. This is especially important if bullying is physical because no child should feel unsafe in school.

And with all else said, hug your child, listen to them, praise them and show your love daily. This world can seem cruel and cold, but when your child knows that their home holds warmth and love and unconditional acceptance, THEIR world can be a much better place.

Blessings and love,
Robyn Cadet MD